A 2017 Bathroom Musings Retrospective
THE 2017 -BM- RETROSPECTIVE!
(With Added Toilet Humor Goodness!)
<REM> I had honestly intended on compiling these things into a single entry, but that clearly went out the window. When I had imported what I thought was all of my BM posts, I double-checked and realized that I was actually only in April of 2018. There was a legit moment of, "This...may be indicative of a serious psychological issue, Steve."
...Business as usual then. </REM>
December 6th, 2017 -- Mumford is unique among our cats in that he’s got medium-length hair.as opposed to the other two cats and their shirt hair. While he doesn’t shed any more than the other two, he does, on occasion, have trouble with pooping. He’s got quite a bit of shrubbery back there, and like other animals in similar situations, he runs into dingleberry issues from time to time.
This was amusing at first, but then we started to notice Mumford dragging his butt across the wood floors trying to dislodge said dingleberries. The result? My wife started regularly cleaning his backside with wet wipes.
Bear with me, there’s a point here.
All of the cats love sleeping on my wife, and the house pecking order dictates where they sleep on her body. Alabaster gets prime seating low on her belly, where she’s warmest. Tinker typically lays down just below her chest. Mumford? He backs his furry ass right up under her chin. This creates a little excitement for me, because it’s always the risk of an additional passenger making the journey on Mumford’s butt as he backs it up to my wife’s face.
Seriously, wait for it.
Tonight, on my way home from visiting my Trolls, I called my wife to make sure I didn’t need to pick anything up along the way. As we’re discussing various things, this happens:
“God, Mumford, your butt stinks!”
“...Did he back it up against your face again?”
“Yeah. I guess I kind of deserve it this time though. I came home to more poop on the floor and finally hit a wall, so I trimmed his butt hair.”
“Trimmed his...wait, trimmed it with what?”
“...Well, I was gonna wait and tell you this when you got home, but you need a new beard trimmer.”
“You used my beard trimmer?!”
“THE NEED WAS GREAT.”
“....Right.”
November 27th, 2017 -- I brush my teeth with some enthusiasm. As a result, my face usually looks like a clown got drunk and tried to apply makeup to himself without a mirror by the time I’m done. The shower makes clean up easier and removes any chance of an incriminating photo being taken.
This evening, however, I had forgotten the toothpaste outside of said shower, so I resigned myself to brushing afterwards as carefully as possible. Because of this, I was being very precise with how much paste I was applying to my brush. My eyes being what they are, this necessitated a certain proximity of said toothbrush to my face as I applied said paste.
...Yes, I absolutely flicked mint toothpaste into my eye. The discomfort that followed was loud enough that all three of my cats came to observe.
November 25th, 2018 --
...A moment later, Mumford lost control of the situation when the shower suddenly turned on, seemingly of its own accord.
:)
November 22nd, 2017 -- It's not Snowflake.
November 14th, 2017 -- I can’t be absolutely sure, but I’m reasonably certain that my cats believe the only reason why I have to use the restroom is to turn on the sinks for them.
November 3rd, 2017 --
Best seat in the house? Possibly. It’s nice to know that when you’re stuck here, The warm air from the vent can keep you cozy. That said, it does blow out of that vent quite enthusiastically.
I pulled the last bit of toilet paper off of the roll this morning, grateful that there was still some left. Unfortunately, I was only half awake and the blown air from the vent promptly took it out of my hand and landed it on the floor right next to the door.
At which point a fuzzy little paw snaked under the door, snagged the new toy I’d just provided, and yanked it out of sight before I could blink.
October 13th, 2017 --
You know what doesn’t help move things along? An audience.
October 1st, 2017 -- You shouldn’t try to flush your underwear. It won’t end well.
September 22nd, 2017 -- On one hand, I'm glad that it's only guacamole. On the other... how did it get there???
August 30th, 2017 -- Nearly everyone who comes to my home loves the fact that we have mint-scented hand soap in our bathrooms. It smells amazing, and it always leaves your hands feeling cool and clean when you're done because of the mint extract.
This is less cool when you don't get every single last scrap of the stuff off of your hands and then go to put your contact lens in.
...Eyeballs are not meant to be minty fresh.
August 20th, 2017 -- ...Why was that in my ear?
August 19th, 2017 -- Shaving your head when it's peeling from a sunburn is a lot like mowing your lawn when it's soaking wet. All you end up with is a bodged job, frustration, and a large quantity of newly-invented and colorful epithets.
August 7th, 2017 -- I've attempted to shave three times this morning. Each time I've started putting the blade to my neck, a veritable tornado of cats have blown into my bathroom, startling me greatly. After the first time, I was irritated. After the second time, I closed the door so I could shave in peace. After one of the cats soundlessly opened the door and they did it to me a third time, I realized that this might actually be an attempt on my life.
...I'll shave tomorrow.
August 2nd, 2017 -- <REM> Eagle-eyed readers will notice that this is a repeat from the 2018 retrospective. Funny story, but after I finished the 2018 Retrospective and had shared the published URL with a few folks, I had the genius idea to actually proof-read it, which is when I discovered that I was missing a memorable entry about rubbing deodorant on my face. I stopped what i was doing, deliberately searched for 'Deodorant', found this post, and pasted it into the blog entry under August 2nd, 2018 without realizing that the reason why I hadn't seen it in the 2018 posts was because I had posted it nearly a YEAR EARLIER. By the time I realized what an absolute moron I was, I had already posted the 2018 collection twice, and elected to leave it as it was, a testament to my foolishness. Still, it's too good not to share twice, so... </REM>
If you're so tired that instead of putting shaving cream on your face, you begin rubbing deodorant on your face instead, perhaps shaving isn't a good choice for you at that moment.
Also, completely unrelated, but stubble shreds the crap out of deodorant sticks. Completely unrelated.
June 2nd, 2017 -- It's official. Chipotle is healthy for you.
Had been in the bathroom, firing salvos at the enemy for around 10 minutes when the fitness tracker on my wrist chirped happily and announced that I had met my activity goal for the day.
Damn right, I have.
May 12th, 2017 -- It sort of feels like the razor is cheating when you look in the mirror and find that you're already bleeding from a spot that you haven't even shaved yet.
April 30th, 2017 -- Shaving ones head is an adventure already without benefit of the fact that I'm an easily distracted child. There came a moment last night when I was rinsing the blade out and a comparatively huge chunk of... something washed down the drain. Inevitably, I giggled a little inside and thought, 'Dude, that was huge!' Moments later, however, the small, but determined adult part of my brain chimed and shouted, "That came off of your head, you imbecile!"
Then shaving stopped while I tried to figure out exactly where I'd taken out a massive chunk of my person.
Oh well.
April 24th, 2017 -- It's much easier to clean up your face after a bloody nose if you don't have a mustache.
April 11th, 2017 -- Well, I just blew something massive out of my nose at high enough velocity that it took the Kleenex right out of my hands. Worse, when I picked the Kleenex back up -- following a fit of hysterical laughter on my part because I'm a child -- it was empty.
...I'll let my wife find that Easter egg. It'll be fun!
April 11th, 2017 -- Because there appears to be some confusion on this point, let me be clear:
There is a huge difference between a morning constitutional and a morning conjugal. Believe me when I tell you that those two words are not interchangeable!
March 17th, 2017 -- <REM> A bit of explanation here: The majority of what makes the following post solid gold isn't the post itself. It's the comments. The post itself wasn't even flagged as a -BM- post. I wasn't even doing -BM- posts back then... I nuked some of the names from the comments for obvious reasons. </REM>
<REM> Alright, another funny story. I wrote the above REM when I stumbled onto this post as a 'Memory' post through Facebook as I was looking at my 2018 entries searching for BM postings. That post said something along the lines of, "Wow, I can't believe this wasn't a Bathroom Musing." Now, for some reason, I assume above that it was because I hadn't started doing the BM posts yet. As you will discover later in this document, that is absolutely incorrect. I still have no idea why this wasn't flagged as a BM post, I just have no excuse now. </REM>
<REM> I swear, this is the last one of these... turns out, I DO have an excuse. I got curious after writing that second REM up there and actually checked on how far back the real BM posts went. Turns out, the first one was made in January of 2017, which means by the time March came around, I wasn't really used to flagging my musings as their own thing. Clearly, I got over that. </REM>
Wow.
Never let it be said that 5 grams of fiber doesn't make a difference. Ye Gods....
March 11th, 2017 -- Shaving one's head is, occasionally, more of an adventure than I care for. From time to time, you go to rinse your blade out and something other than hair flies out of it and swims down the drain. You're left standing there wondering what it could possibly have been. Then you find yourself nonchalantly trying to check in the mirror to see if you still have your nose and ears, because there is NO WAY you were stupid enough to cut something that large off...
...but just in case...
March 1st, 2017 -- The toilet seat is rigged. There's no other possible rationale to explain the fact that as soon as I sit down on it and commit, the phone in the other room goes off, someone rings the doorbell, and my cats both pile into the bathroom with me in an attempt to keep me from remedying the situation in any capacity.
February 24th, 2017 -- I know the toilet can't hear me. I know it doesn't understand me when I look down at it and mutter, "No quarter will be given." Still, I'm not sure I'd feel like it was a fair fight unless I did.
February 19th, 2017 -- Passing gas in the middle of a hot shower is God's way of telling you that it's time to get out.
February 18th, 2017 -- Nothing makes you appreciate hygiene like a public restroom...
February 14th, 2017 -- Staying in a hotel affords you many luxuries, but it also affords you a bit of clarity on occasion.
Example: At some point in time, a group of people working at a soap company must have had a meeting where the decision was made to produce soap that smelled like 'Nothing Pleasant Whatsoever'(tm). Right after that collective of baboons made this decision, they immediately decided to market that soap to hotel chains across the United States, because why would you ever want showering in a hotel to be pleasant?
February 12th, 2017 -- Get out of bed without waking the wife: +20 Points
Get a drink of water without waking the wife: +30 Points
Have a pee without waking the wife: +40 Points
Unleashing a deafening five second, six-note colon symphony on the way back to bed: -150 Points
February 8th, 2017 -- Just play it cool, and maybe they won't notice that you shaved off a third of your eyebrow on accident.
January 31st, 2017 -- The only thing that makes a work meeting last longer than the nagging fear that it might not have just been a fart is the sure knowledge that it wasn't.
January 30th, 2017 -- Getting mint toothpaste on an open wound is one part shocking and about twenty parts profanity.
January 24th, 2017 -- It was one of those moments when I found myself sitting there, marveling about how it was even possible to have produced such a thing, and quite clearly, I heard my intestines mutter, "You know what you did."
That is, believe it or not, the earliest official BM post that I ever made. Rest assured, however, I was making these kinds of posts in spirit both before and after this point. I'm planning on searching through my entire Facebook post history using keywords like, 'poo', 'poop', 'toilet', 'fart', 'accident', and other identifying markers. I suspect we'll find a clinger or two somewhere, and those will probably end up in another retrospective. For now, goodnight, and give it a courtesy flush from time to time, alright?
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