Found And Lost, Epilogue

 (Hot Like Dimes - Pretty Lights)

Writing all of this, putting all of it down, has been illuminating for me.  There are aspects of my journey that I hadn't paid nearly enough attention to at the time.  Being able to go back and look at it all a little more slowly has been educational, to say the least.

As much as both my physician and my psychologist begged me to consider that my progress was still outstanding in spite of not breaking 400 pounds and having an average of around a half pound loss each week, I made plans to step up my activity levels to get back on where I considered point to be: A pound a week.

I'm not saying I'm smart, just determined.

This was aided somewhat by two large factors:

- A very good friend of mine started setting his own wellness goals that involved getting up early in the morning on any day he wasn't working so that he could walk around outside.  I immediately latched on to this so that we could help each other be accountable to our goals.  This guarantees that at least three days of the week, usually four, I will get out of bed early and get some walking in.
- Lord Hotness, another good friend of mine, introduces me to Beat Saber, a virtual reality game that can require significant physical movement to play.  I purchased an Oculus Quest VR system so that I can begin playing Beat Saber at least three times a week in my own home for at least 20 minutes.  I'll be ordering wrist weights to make it more challenging as well.

At my August check-in yesterday at BCKC, I weighed in at 395 pounds.  That's one pound a week lost since my visit in July.  This is the far end of what my specialists believe acceptable, safe weight loss is in my situation.

It is acceptable by my standards.

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"You appear to be back on track with regards to your weight loss," my physician said with amusement.

"Yeah.  I sort of got mad after our last visit and stepped up a few things.  I walk more.  I bought a VR headset."

"...This is the part where I tell you, once again, that you should try and spend a little more time appreciating what you've already accomplished rather than immediately caning yourself forward," she offered somewhat sternly.

"Yeah, speaking of that... my caloric deficit is going to close up sooner or later.  That's a given.  Can you give me a ballpark figure on when you think that might be, from a weight standpoint?"

She sighed.  "You still have a huge deficit to work with.  Your current weight and activity level puts your BMR at around 3.000 calories, which is a pretty large departure from a year ago.  Your TDEE is still around 4,500 calories because you're no longer living a sedentary lifestyle.  If you can keep your caloric intake in check at around 2,500 calories a day, you should be able to sustain your current weight loss at. your current activity levels for a long time."  She held up a hand to forestall my next comment. "You are allowed and encouraged to have sloppy and/or lazy days, but understand that with your metabolism being a little janky, if you stop the walking and the other activity, you may very well stop losing weight again, deficit or not.  You will have to make another concerted push to get it started again."

I nodded slowly.  "That's fair."  She closed her computer then, signaling the end of the visit, and I raised my own hand.  "So...when do I come in here again?"

"You know what you're doing at this point.  You know the rules, and you know what works.  Keep doing that.  You don't need us to babysit your weight loss now.  I'd say two or three months, unless you feel like you need more."

I was quiet for a moment before I offered, "What if I want to come back sooner?  I know I don't need it, but..."

Even through the mask she wore, I could hear her smile.  "You can always come back.  I will never be too busy to see you."  She reached for the door and then stopped.  "By the way, you mentioned you were keeping a blog about this.  What do you call it?"

"'In Defense Of The Awkward Moment.'"

She tilted her head for a moment and then deadpanned, "Yeah, that's about right."

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While this is the last of these entries, the path that I'm walking is nowhere near its end.  Assuming my weight loss stays stable, I'll be losing weight for at least another year and a half to two years easily.  After that...who knows?

Lord knows I don't.

The man in the mirror continues to change. I am slowly learning to deal with that. He knows things that I clearly haven't figured out yet.  He knows that I am losing weight, changing, and that these things are acceptable.  That it isn't a betrayal or a failure to have become fat, or to have taken the steps to change that. That it is acceptable to care for myself, to brush my teeth twice a day, and even to invest in some whitening mouthwash for the sake of vanity.  It is acceptable to buy special shoes for walking, to buy clothing that fit properly regardless of its size.  

He knows I am okay.  

He is me.