MOVIE REVIEW: The Batman

 (The New Colossus - Mick Gordon)

Batman might just be one of the most touched upon IPs in the comic book world. He's been drafted into comics, movies, TV shows, toys, you name it. Specifically in the movie space, there have been MANY different Batman films, each with their own unique take on the Dark Knight.

Any newcomers to the cowl automatically inherit the burden of both the best (Nolan) and the worst (Schumacher) that the world has seen, and that's without even talking about what they, themselves bring.

That last part is very important when discussing 2022's 'The Batman', owing almost entirely to the film's leading man, Robert Pattinson. Right, wrong, or otherwise, Pattinson comes with a wealth of his own baggage to any film he joins on account of his involvement with both the Harry Potter and Twilight franchises. 

The film touts an impressive, if divisive, cast and it has a rich background to draw from.

Is this most recent incarnation worthy of the cowl?

THE SHORT VERSION:

No, but not for the reasons you might think.

THE LONG VERSION:

The long version of this review is actually pretty succinct, far more than usual anyway. The movie is too long, and too dark. It simply doesn't know when to stop itself.

The end.

No, seriously, that's it. Other than that, it was fine. It wasn't a masterpiece but it was fine. Better than fine, actually. The principle cast was generally excellent, the script was pretty strong... everyone was so eager to crap all over this movie for so many reasons and it's weaknesses have nothing to do with any of them. It's just too long, and too dark, visually.

Alright, alright.

This is a THREE HOUR LONG MOVIE. I can count on one hand the number of times people have made three hour movies that should have been three hours long and this ain't one of 'em. There are parts of this film that just drag on. They were going for a slow burn but you just cannot do that over three hours unless you've been kissed by God. This film isn't bad but it ain't that good either.

- Robert Pattinson is fine as Batman. He's not great. He's not bad. He's just fine. He kind of blends into the films as a whole, so when the film is bland, he's bland. When the film picks up, he picks up. A better movie would have given us a better Robert Pattinson. He is a terrible Bruce Wayne, but only because I suspect he was written that way.

- Colin Farrell absolutely KILLS IT as the Penguin. His appearance, his wardrobe, his behavior and accent, he just destroys every scene he's in. They could have wrapped the whole movie around him and I would have been fine with it.

- Zoe Kravitz is in the same boat as Robert Pattinson; she's never really put in a situation where she can shine. She just spends the whole film being...fine.

- Paul Dano tries too damn hard as the Riddler. His appearance was unique enough but his personality was...at odds with the film. His behavior was far more suitable to a horror film than a normal Batman film. Someone told me once that this was very 'Se7en' with Batman. They're not wrong, but I don't WANT 'Se7en' in my Batman. I go see Batman movies to be excited, to be thrilled, to be entertained. Not scared.

- Andy Serkis was wasted. What there was, was excellent but there just wasn't nearly enough. If you're gonna bring him, let the man work. And while we're on the subject...

- Freakin' John Turturro! I almost didn't recognize him at first but MAN oh MAN did he bring it.

- Jeffrey Wright? Doesn't look like anything to me. It's Jeff Wright, guys. Come on.

'The Batman' is not a bad movie but I'm not sure it's a good 'Batman' movie. I go to see Batman films for a reason, and I expect certain things in any Batman film. While this film nails a lot of stuff, I just don't think it gets 'Batman'. That's sad, because the film has everything it needs to be a really strong film.

HERE THERE BE...Spoiler-ish THINGS!

- The Bat-suit is one of the best in the film series' history but it's completely let down by the cowl. That's owing almost completely to the fact that Batman's cowl is typically drawn and built with sharp lines, not curves. The cowl in this film has curves in all of the wrong places, especially right below the eyes.

- The score is lackluster, something I did NOT expect from a Batman movie. I've been spoiled by Elfman and Zimmer. The use of Nirvana and the two-note leitmotif is good but it's not nearly enough to carry THREE HOURS. Yes, the third act of the film gets stronger content but it's too little, too late.

- If you're not ready for it, the fact that this film plays a little fast and loose with the history of some of its characters might...bother you. I know there's certainly a point in the movie where the Wayne family history in particular is discussed and I found myself going, "Really? That's where they went with it? Why?"

- The scene where Bruce clears out a room by pushing a big table and then uses spray paint to make an evidence display is...just stupid. There's no reason for that with even modern technology, to say nothing of the kind of tech+ world with Uber Contact Lens Of Surveillance +2.

- There's absolutely ZERO chemistry between Batman and Catwoman in the first two acts of this film. Zero. People have been going on about their chemistry and I think they're confusing Zoe Kravitz' very undeniable sex appeal with mutual chemistry. She is next-level hot but that's not enough to overcome the cold fish interplay between her and Pattinson. That said, there is ONE exchange between them that is POW.ER.FUL, when she's about to kill someone in the film's second act and Batman stops her. Alas, it's all too fleeting.

- Nothing about the Batmobile chase in the film makes sense:

    In the scene where the Batmobile makes its appearance, Batman is in the middle of a firefight. Instead of taking the villains out, he...runs to his car?

    Yes, the Batmobile made a GREAT sound when it spun up but it took FOREVER to spin up! I could have WALKED away by then!

    Most boring car ever. Yes, it's very utilitarian, but it's boring. It's a muscle car with a great whoppin' jet engine on the back of it. It's also incredibly impractical if it takes the kind of damage that it did just from rear-ending another card.

    I'm sorry, no car stops like that in the rain, especially not one that's got a massive jet engine on the back of it.

- The third act of this movie is...problematic for me. I don't go to movies for this. Maybe I'm getting old and tired, but I'm not entirely sure how much of this specific content we need right now in the world.

- This movie seriously DOES NOT know how to stop. It's like The Return Of The King or something. It has wrap-up moments several times and just...chooses not to stop there.

- Batman is extra durable in this movie. That is all.