TELEVISION REVIEW: Masters Of The Universe Revelation (Netflix)

 (Scar - Dance With The Dead)

It's been said many times that the original He-Man from the '80s was just a shameless mechanism for selling toys.  No one's ever tried to argue that point.  What some of us still have a difficult time explaining, however, is why He-Man remains as beloved today as it has.  Compared to some of the other cartoons of that era, He-Man wasn't even especially -good-.  It just sort of...was.

That lack of understanding hasn't stopped fanboys -- and girls! -- from holding a massive candle for the show. This was proven when it was announced that there would be a new He-Man made. Better still, Uber Fanboy Kevin Smith would be helming it.  Kevin Smith, a man known for his pure love for all things nerd.

Then the voice cast started to roll out and the news just got better!  Mark Hamill as Skeletor? Yes, please.  Kevin Conroy as Mer-Man?  Sure!  Lena Heady and Sarah Michelle Gellar, and the OG Skeletor Alan Oppenheimer!  And the list just kept. On. Going!

As time grew near, new trailers began to surface and the excitement just kept on building.  Netflix had done wonderful things with cartoons thus far!

Finally, it arrived, leaving only one question unanswered:

Does it have the power?

THE SHORT VERSION:

Nope.  

THE LONG VERSION, WITH MILD SPOILERS:

Ohhhhhh, Kevin.  Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, what happened, man?  You could have just rolled over and told everyone that you were pretty much just there to supervise and that all of the major plot elements were being pushed by Netflix executives.  You could have dodged this one... Instead, you chose to double down.

Let's all just take a moment and look at this quote from an interview with 'Variety' that Kevin Smith did about 'Revelation':

“Like, you really f-cking think Mattel Television, who hired me and paid me money, wants to do a f-cking ‘Masters of the Universe’ show without He-Man? Grow the f-ck up, man. Like, that blew my mind, bunch of people being like, ‘Oh, I smell it. This is a bait and switch.'”

That'd be an awesome statement if that wasn't exactly what happened.  Seriously, He-Man gets killed in the first episode and the remaining appearances from him are in very brief flashbacks that don't really even center on him.  As a matter of fact, pretty much none of the show's initial run of episodes are centered on him.

Instead, they're centered on She-Ra.  Except in this show, she's called Teela and she's voiced by Sarah Michelle Gellar whose voice does not in ANY CAPACITY work for the animated character.  Wait, that's not right.  It does work in one capacity.  Say they wanted Teela to be a whiny, teenage sulk mistress reeking of Mary Sue perfume.  Then SMG's voice would be perfect.

...In other words, SMG's voice is perfect for Teela.

Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself here.  Let's go back to the part where this is a giant bait and switch.

The entire show is completely centered around the character of Teela, one of the supporting characters from the original He-Man cartoon.  In this 'continuation' of the He-Man show, Teela can do anything and she's JACKED.  She's so good that in the opening episode of the show, Man-At-Arms basically retires and Teela becomes the new Man-At-Arms!  She's the FIRST female Man-At-Arms in the history of Eternia!  She's beauty and she's grace!

It's not long before Skeletor comes a-callin' though and Eternia's finest are called to defend Castle Greyskull.  People fight, shit happens, and Skeletor and He-Man basically kill each other.  Copious weeping occurs, which is when Teela finds out that she's THE ONLY ONE who didn't know that Prince Adam was actually He-Man!  (She wasn't the only one, but the show really dines out on this...). She gets UBER pissed that she was never told Prince Adam's big secret, tells everyone to go fuck off, and sulks out of the castle like a goddamned tween.

This, from the gal that was supposed to be so choice that she was Eternia's first female Man-At-Arms.

I realize that, on the surface, it looks like I'm expecting a lot from a He-Man cartoon.  I don't see it that way though.  The bar for writing, plot, and general quality of serious cartoons has risen significantly, especially the stuff that's rolling out of Netflix.  Don't believe me? Go check out Voltron.

It also isn't lost on me that Teela has to go on some kind of character development journey and I'm sensitive to that too, but there is virtually ZERO journey that happens in the five episodes of the first half of the show.  Actually, that's not true, there -is- a journey...it's just not in the direction we were hoping.  The journey is basically confirming that it's perfectly acceptable for Teela to be a sulking brat that can walk off in a huff and do whatever she wants on her own.  She fears nothing.  (An episode hinges on this fact and they make sure you know it!) The show is clearly shaping up to reward her for this.  See my previous statement of Mary Sue perfume.

This would be troublesome enough on its own but 'Revelation' doesn't stop there with its OBVIOUSLY POWERFUL FEMALE WHO NEEDS HELP FROM NO ONE. Teela's got a sidekick who is also female, an engineering genius, and black.  And King Greyskull, the OG Buff Dude?  He's black now.

Oh, STOP.  Of course I don't have an issue with female leads or black leads, or female black leads or whatever.  (Though, where's the rage for the race-swap on King Greyskull?  I could give two shits, but where's the rage?)  What I -do- have an issue with is how utterly forced this all feels.  They couldn't have just written a good story around existing characters, of which there were plenty?  Nothing about these aspects of 'Revelation' feels organic.  It all feels like someone was just checking boxes on the 'Woke' list.

Not for the first time, I resubmit that if you want a master class in how to do it right, go watch 'Black Panther'.

Oh yeah, and the script for the show is sort of horrible too.  It's TERRIBLE.  It's '80s cartoon bad.  We can and HAVE done better with animation reboots.

The only truly redeeming thing about this show is the animation, which is at once both faithful and modernized.  As art, it's absolutely gorgeous.  And Lena Heady crushes it as Evil-lyn, who seems to be the only person in the show who realizes how utterly silly everything is.

Alas, none of that is even remotely enough to save the show.