MOVIE REVIEW: Black Widow

 (Dorothy - Polo & Pan)

At the risk of torches and pitchforks, I'm going to make a statement here.  Here me out:

Marvel is not off to a hot start with Phase 4.  

I'm pretty sure I know why, too. If you look back at the really strong Marvel movies -- or even the ones that were luke warm but relatively well-received -- you'll notice that they all have at least one of two things in common:

- A really strong principle lead and supporting cast
- A TON of Marvel's secret pixie dust in the form of an INSANE support system (Script, Score/Soundtrack, Story, Set, etc.)

The good ones had both.  I'm talking Iron Man.  I'm talking The Avengers.  I'm talking about pretty much every Captain America. I'm talking about Black Panther.

There are clear evidences where movies were released with only one of those items and they still did well. (I'm looking at you, Guardians Of The Galaxy and Iron Man 2 and 3.)

If the recipe is so clear, what's happening with Phase 4?  The answer, I suspect, is also two-fold:

1. Not everyone is a leading man/woman, and Marvel hasn't caught onto this yet.
2. Marvel only has so much pixie dust.

Think about this one for a moment.  In the past, Marvel has pulled out hit after hit but its been doing it in limited capacity and with movies which are two-ish hours long.  In contrast, we have Phase 4 which has been filled with three 8-episode series thus far.  For those playing along at home, that's basically 12 movies' worth of content...and around 60% of that content was made using a principle cast that isn't really interesting enough to carry a show on their own merit.

"But Steve," you cry, "What about the mojo?"  What, indeed?  I submit that Marvel only has so much mojo...and they spent almost all of it on Loki.  This left WandaVision and Falcon without the necessary resources to excel.  And no, I'm sorry, neither the witch, the bird, or the bear have the necessary gravitas to carry a show with only minimal mojo backup.

Now, finally, we get back to 'Black Widow' and the big question:

Did Marvel manage to muster the necessary resources to make this a good film?

THE SHORT VERSION:

Nope.  This is a rental at best, and one of the weakest entries in the MCU.

THE LONG VERSION: 

Oh, stop!  Put your damn pitch forks down.

We've seen the Widow hold her own in movie after movie.  We know that she's a force to be reckoned with when she's given good dialogue and good co-stars and good fight scenes and good scenery/plot to chew.  

Unfortunately, very little of any of that was present here.

- The dialogue in Black Widow feels stilted and forced throughout most of the movie.  There are a few stand-out moments where things land properly -- pretty much whenever the whole 'Family' is together in a scene -- but outside of that, it's...tough.

- The supporting cast in this film is actually one of its better parts.  The serious weak link here is General Drakov, played by Ray Winstone.  Who is not Russian.  Even in alternate realities.  Christ, he's bad.

- The fight scenes in this movie are standard Marvel fare, which...is not standard 'Widow' fare.  Some of the best things about Widow's fights in past movies has been the longer cuts and the camera not shying away from her smooth, fluid, lethal movements.  In contrast, most of the fight scenes in 'Black Widow' are full of jump cuts, shaking camera work and questionable lighting.  And don't get me started about the fight between the Red Guardian and Taskmaster.

- ...Oy vey, the plot.  So much of what makes this movie fall squarely on its ass can be laid at the feet of a plot that ... I can't think of anything clever to say here. It's a bad plot, leading to bad situations and bad dialogue.  I'll get more into this in the Spoilers.

In the end, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.  Even before Marvel was pumping out this much content, there was evidence that even they could only work so much magic.  After all, not every movie was a success, and some that were had no right to be.  It's just a shame that 'Black Widow' didn't merit a bigger share.

HERE THERE BE SPOILERS!

Let's just get into this.

- I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation of where Red Guardian came from with regard to his powers.  And yes, David Harbour absolutely killed it from a character standpoint.  RG himself was one of the high points of the film.  That said, the explanation was never really provided to casual viewers like myself.  Like...for as much trouble as people had reproducing Steve Rogers in the United States, they were apparently doing it for a hobby over in Europe...

- Okay, so, we now know what Loki was talking about where Drakov's daughter was concerned and I'm sorry here, but ...no.  No, I don't buy that Natasha Romanoff would have done that.  She wants out, she wants to run and join SHIELD, she wants to be better and start getting the red out of her ledger.  Clearly, the best path to a better life is...by killing a child.  Sorry, can't buy that.

- Natasha Romanoff is a SPY.  She's not a brawler or a brute-force weapon, yet she spends a ton of time directly engaging opponents in this movie rather than using stealth and guile.

- ...Marvel couldn't have done a better job matching Widow's hair at the end to her hair in 'Infinity War'?  Really?

- Yelena Belova is, without a doubt, one of the best parts of Black Widow.  She steals nearly every single scene that she's in and she has some of the best dialogue.  This does not spare her from spending much of the film behaving not just like Romanoff's kid sister, but ... I dunno, she just feels like a pouty teenager most of the time to me.  She's the anti-Widow.  She's not smooth like Romanoff is.  She's not refined.

- I can put it off no longer.  Taskmaster.  What. A. Waste.  The gender bend fit more or less into the story but that's really where it stopped.  Everything else cool about Taskmaster as a character was thrown out the window in favor of a female character that was turned into not just a puppet, but a puppet that would never work in practical situations.  Someone the size of a Red Room Widow would not take on a super soldier head on and live.  That's not where their skillset lay.  Also, where the hell did yet another shield come from?!  Also, hey, a trained spy packed enough explosives into her backpack to make sure she killed someone standing next to her but it didn't OBLITERATE her when said explosion went off?!  

- Preeeeeeetty much everything about the Red Room setup.  That was terrible.

- So, uh...yeah.  Rachel Weisz is 51 years old and might have been the best looking thing in a cat-suit in the whole film.  This, on top of also very clearly being the smartest person in the room pretty much always.

Yeah, I'm done.  So is Marvel if they keep this shit up.