TELEVISION PREVIEW: WandaVision (2 Episode Pilot)

 (Letting The Cables Sleep - Bush)

The Marvel Cinematic Universe might as well be the entertainment equivalent of King Midas.  Everything they touch turns to gold.  Even things that have no business enjoying the level of success that they have are widely enjoyed.

I'm looking at you, Guardians Of The Galaxy.

Now that the initial run of Avengers-related content has run its course, the MCU has to figure out what's next.  A major part of that plan includes episodic content on Disney+ and the first IP out of the chute is WandaVision.

There's a lot riding on this one and Marvel knows it.  They didn't just release the first episode of WandaVision, they released the first -two- episodes to serve as the pilot.  This move raises almost as many questions as the puzzling trailers for the show did, but one question deserves an answer first:

Did Marvel somehow manage to do it again?

THE SHORT VERSION:

Uh...jury's still out.  

THE LONG VERSION:

I'm going to say something now that sounds rather 'duh', but hear me out:

In this day and age, the mark of good entertainment is its ability to hold your undivided attention.

In this, WandaVision was a failure for me.  I'll explain why, and I can even do it without spoilers...which is NOT a good thing.  Allow me to elaborate.

The first two episodes of WandaVision made me suffer for absolutely nothing.  Everything you learn in those episodes can be gleaned a few moments by simply watching the trailers.  I shall demonstrate:

- Somehow, Wanda and Vision end up in a Leave It To Beaver cum I Love Lucy-era neighborhood and are compelled to act the part as a result.
- Somehow, Vision is not dead.
- Something strange is going on in this world.
- At some point, people start messing with color in what begins as a very black and white television show.

This, in a nutshell, is the first two episodes.  Unfortunately, that's not just a problem, it's -the- problem.  See, I really hated the black and white era of television.  I'm fortunate in that I didn't have to live through it but I've seen my fair share of black and white telly in spite of that.

Black and white television is the antithesis of the MCU.  The MCU is vivid, colorful, smart, fast-paced, and generally exciting.  Black and white television is none of those things.  As a result, WandaVision isn't just a fish out of water.  The fish is dying painfully slow.  Not only are you made to suffer through two episodes of the corniest, most painful retro television that many people under the age of 40 will have ever seen, you are rewarded with...nothing.  

Yes, you see some little bits of weird shit happening in both episodes.  You know this is coming because you've seen it in the trailers.  There's no build-up whatsoever.  You're just waiting for it, waiting painfully for something exciting to happen.  SOMETHING has to happen sooner or later, right?!  You -know- the other shoe is dropping! WHERE'S THE OTHER GODDAMNED SHOE?!  Then, when the shoe finally does start to drop, you're immediately yanked back into that god-awful world of '50s television.

The television world wouldn't be so obnoxious if Wanda and Vision acted normal when they were in private, but they don't.  They consistently act like indoctrinated morons the entire time, only breaking 'character' to act normally in too-brief spurts that are never followed up on. 

This would also not be so obnoxious if it weren't for the fact that they just never question ANYTHING.  Wands suddenly ends up pregnant?  How? When?  Can Vision bone?  Was his body designed to bone?  Why would Ultron have designed that body to bone?  Let's not get into genetic material either.  Both Wanda and Vision are suddenly and immediately comfortable with the fact that not only is Wanda pregnant, she's like...8 months pregnant.  The casual dismissal of this falls far off the deep end into creepy water.  The result is a show that I only half-heartedly watched as I begged for it to get better.  This is MARVEL!  You're not supposed to be like this!  

"But Steve," you cry, "this is building suspense!  The show will explain all!"

You don't build suspense by telling everyone that something is hinky in the trailers and then beat them over the head with the very same fact for AN HOUR while also not telling them anything else and forcing them to endure television that is the intellectual equivalent of the OG Hamster Dance website.

Marvel needs to please GET TO THE BLOODY POINT in episode three or I'm done.