MOVIE REVIEW: The Old Guard

(Loud Pipes - Ratatat)

"So, here's the deal: There's this comic book about a small group of badass immortals who run around doing good deeds and there's philosophy and we think we can get Charlize Theron to play the leader of the group and..."

I have to imagine that's how the discussion at Netflix went when they were trying to get The Old Guard green-lit. It's certainly the message that the trailer for this movie was trying to send, and it's one that anyone even remotely interested in movies like this will have received loud and clear.

The subject of immortal warriors is not a new one in literature and art.  It's been done.  A lot.  A WHOLE LOT.  It's been done like that because the subject is a fascinating one for us.  Mortality is something that everyone has to face, so wondering about the alternative is almost instinctive.  The important question here is, does The Old Guard offer us something new to think about?  Is it worth watching?

THE SHORT VERSION: 

YES! YESYESYESYESYESYES!!!!

THE LONG VERSION:

This movie is amazing for all the right reasons and suffers from absolutely nothing, except the fact that it ends.  I ate this film up with a fork and a knife and all i wanted when it was over was a second course.  The cast is perfect across the board, the settings are good, the visuals are good, the gunplay and action sequences are exquisite, and ... GAH!  When the credits rolled, all I could do was bounce up and down in my chair and shout, "YES!  Somebody FINALLY got it right!  YES!"

End of speech.  Go watch this movie.

HERE THERE BE SPOILERS!!!!

Nothing like...huge here, but still spoilery.  It's hard to write much about this because the whole movie was so damned excellent, but here we go:

- John Wick showed us just how excellent an action movie could be if one man was trained to within an inch of his life and set loose with excellent fight choreography and production values.  The Old Guard shows us how excellent it would be if five of him were in the same film.  The squad-based combat in this film is SO. GOOD.  I just want to watch it again and again so that I can revel in all of the little details.  IT'S SO GOOD!  AHHHAHHHHHH!

- The story for Joe and Nicky is...beyond.  Anyone who gets caught up in two gay men on screen is missing the bigger picture here.  Is missing MANY of the bigger pictures here.  I just...I can't properly articulate how good this was.

- Everyone was trained.  EVERYONE was on point.  Nobody looked Less Than in their action scenes. It was SO DAMN GOOD!

- AAAAAAAAHAHHHHAHAAHHHHHH!!!!!

- Also, my goodness, Chiwetel Ejiofor.  I always cringe a little when I see him in movies, not because I don't like him, but because I know how good he can be and I've seen him wasted so many times.  SO NOT WASTED HERE. YAS.  YASYASYAS!

- The only unsurprising thing about this whole film was Quynh.  Anyone who didn't see that coming was an idiot.  And you know what? I DON'T CARE!  SEQUEL!  AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!