MOVIE REVIEW: Dolittle
(Heaven - I, Monster)
There's no denying that over the last 12 years, Robert Downey, Jr. has had a remarkable comeback. His career went from amazingly high to amazingly low thanks to an amazing love of drugs, and...well, that's sort of the whole story.
That is, until Jon Favreau decided to take a chance and cast him as one of the most embattled Marvel characters in the history of comics.
Between RDJ's natural talent -- that is, the talent that hadn't been completely obliterated by 8-Balls -- and Favreau's incredible vision, Iron Man became the long pole in what developed into the Marvel Cinematic Universe's massive circus tent.
Fast forward over 12 years and RDJ is now one of the most bankable names in Hollywood. Having (supposedly) outgrown his Iron Man armor, he must now look to other pursuits in film making to make his mark. To this, Dr. Dolittle, a story about a man who can talk with animals.
In the past, Dolittle was ripe with opportunity for revisits -- we will quietly draw a veil over what Eddie Murphy did to it -- so the announcement of RDJ helming this film was an exciting one.
Is 'Dolittle' franchise-worthy?
THE SHORT VERSION:
No. It's fucking terrible.
THE LONG VERSION:
"Wow, Steve," you might muse to yourself. "This is a review for a movie clearly designed as a children's film. Language, much?"
And you know what? You're right. Let's start over. (Clears throat)
KIDS! Are you interested in draconic proctology? If so, Dolittle is STILL A HORRIBLE FUCKING MOVIE! And no, I'm not joking here. About either part. RDJ absolutely ends buried up to his elbows in a dragon's ass in an attempt to fish a lost set of bagpipes out. That's the centerpiece of this movie. And it absolutely is a horrible fucking movie.
Wait, no, that's not right....
KIDS! Are you interested in watching a ton of talking animals voiced by a veritable dream team of actors behave like ABSOLUTE FUCKING MORONS for an hour and a half?!
...Still not right. But seriously for a moment, Kumal Nanjiani needs to be done with speaking roles. Forever.
Let's give this another try...(Clears throat)
KIDS! Ever wondered what 'Death By Contractual Obligation' looks like?? Look no further than this MASSIVE FUCKING TRAINWRECK OF A MOVIE!
Yeah, that's...that's not gonna do it either.
It's better to just avoid this movie all together, folks.
Also, kids, don't do drugs. That's an important take-away from this article too. Unless you've got Jon Favreau and a box office-crushing film dynasty in your back pocket, in which case, by all means. It turned out well for RDJ.
That's....that's not a good message either.
Fuck it, I'm going back to bed.
There's no denying that over the last 12 years, Robert Downey, Jr. has had a remarkable comeback. His career went from amazingly high to amazingly low thanks to an amazing love of drugs, and...well, that's sort of the whole story.
That is, until Jon Favreau decided to take a chance and cast him as one of the most embattled Marvel characters in the history of comics.
Between RDJ's natural talent -- that is, the talent that hadn't been completely obliterated by 8-Balls -- and Favreau's incredible vision, Iron Man became the long pole in what developed into the Marvel Cinematic Universe's massive circus tent.
Fast forward over 12 years and RDJ is now one of the most bankable names in Hollywood. Having (supposedly) outgrown his Iron Man armor, he must now look to other pursuits in film making to make his mark. To this, Dr. Dolittle, a story about a man who can talk with animals.
In the past, Dolittle was ripe with opportunity for revisits -- we will quietly draw a veil over what Eddie Murphy did to it -- so the announcement of RDJ helming this film was an exciting one.
Is 'Dolittle' franchise-worthy?
THE SHORT VERSION:
No. It's fucking terrible.
THE LONG VERSION:
"Wow, Steve," you might muse to yourself. "This is a review for a movie clearly designed as a children's film. Language, much?"
And you know what? You're right. Let's start over. (Clears throat)
KIDS! Are you interested in draconic proctology? If so, Dolittle is STILL A HORRIBLE FUCKING MOVIE! And no, I'm not joking here. About either part. RDJ absolutely ends buried up to his elbows in a dragon's ass in an attempt to fish a lost set of bagpipes out. That's the centerpiece of this movie. And it absolutely is a horrible fucking movie.
Wait, no, that's not right....
KIDS! Are you interested in watching a ton of talking animals voiced by a veritable dream team of actors behave like ABSOLUTE FUCKING MORONS for an hour and a half?!
...Still not right. But seriously for a moment, Kumal Nanjiani needs to be done with speaking roles. Forever.
Let's give this another try...(Clears throat)
KIDS! Ever wondered what 'Death By Contractual Obligation' looks like?? Look no further than this MASSIVE FUCKING TRAINWRECK OF A MOVIE!
Yeah, that's...that's not gonna do it either.
It's better to just avoid this movie all together, folks.
Also, kids, don't do drugs. That's an important take-away from this article too. Unless you've got Jon Favreau and a box office-crushing film dynasty in your back pocket, in which case, by all means. It turned out well for RDJ.
That's....that's not a good message either.
Fuck it, I'm going back to bed.
Comments
Post a Comment