MOVIE REVIEW: Dark Phoenix
(Earth - Hans Zimmer)
'Dark Phoenix' is what happens when fan service gets horribly, horribly out of control.
I can't think of a better way to sum up what is hopefully the final chapter in this X-Men franchise.
I tried to write a more interesting introduction to this review so that I could do one of my 'Short/Long Version' thingies, and I just couldn't manage it.
There's this part in the original Jurassic Park where Jeff Goldblum's nutso chaotician tells Hammond, "Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should!" Clearly, the same people engineering dinosaurs were responsible for this train-wreck as well.
'Dark Phoenix' is, as any comic book fan might know, the story of the X-Men, most notably Jean Grey, coming into contact with the cosmic MacGuffin known as the Phoenix. Except it sort of isn't. There's a Phoenix in this movie, and Jean Grey is in it as well, but that's sort of where the similarities end. This movie has a haphazzard story that staggers along from one hugely overblown action sequence to another. It is the Michael Bay of X-Men movies. Let me sum up the major plot points. I would say there are spoilers here, but they're more like warnings:
1. X-MEN IN SPACE!
2. Jean Grey absorbs the Phoenix force.
3. Jean Grey loses her shit repeatedly, hurting/killing a lot of people.
4. Charles Xavier is a sanctimonious prick that once again does more harm than good.
5. Unknown, mostly unexplained person tries to take advantage of Jean Grey
6. Jean Grey suddenly remembers she has a brain and sacrifices herself for her team.
7. PSYCHE!
The Dark Phoenix Saga should have been the 'Endgame' of the XCU. That's the kind of story that it is, that's how massive it is, that's how much setup it requires. The MCU started telling its story eleven years and 22 movies ago. Dark Phoenix is the fourth movie in this current iteration of the XCU. No one was thinking except for Michael Bay.
Michael Bay should never, ever be the only one thinking in the room.
I shall now list several of the things that made this movie horrible. HERE THERE BE WARNINGS, er, SPOILERS!
- First off, did the previous film, 'Apocalypse' just sort of... never happen? Cause Jean Grey was already the Phoenix. Yes, really. I shall remind you with this YouTube clip of the final conflict at the end of 'Apocalypse':
At 1:35, that's ... what, a giant flaming chicken she unleashes? A duck, perhaps? A GOOSE? Wait no, it's a... ahh fuck it, never mind.
- Charles Xavier is a fucking moron. In both the Stewart timeline 'Last Stand' and the McAvoy timeline 'Dark Phoenix', instead of helping Jean Grey actually come to grips with her trauma, Xavier simply buries it, because that's never, ever been a bad idea. And while we're on that note...
- The Phoenix does nothing bad in this movie. Xavier does, and by proxy, Grey does. The Phoenix only serves to amplify Grey's already very existing issues. Had Xavier not been a big, bald douche, the Phoenix would have been an ultimate force for good, and not ... whatever it was.
- The Phoenix force is not sentient. There is no involvement with any of the other cool space elements from the original story. There is no cool green and gold or red and gold super suit. Instead, we get Jessica Chastain and her utterly forgettable and inexplicably invincible gang of cronies from the D'Bari empire. You remember the D'Bari? Next-door neighbors to the Jabari? It's a good joke, seriously. Say it out loud.
- Can people just leave Magneto alone now, please? This rebooted X-Men franchise is just one example after another of bad shit happening because no one will leave Magneto well enough alone. Dude is trying to stay out of the way, but nooo...
- Your shit is either designed to function in space or not. There is no HALFWAY! NASA loves duct tape as much as the next dude, but it does not solve every problem! Seriously, there's some Three Stooges-level bullshit with duct tape and a space helmet NOT RATED FOR HARD VACUUM in this film, and it just...ahh, fuck it, never mind. Again.
- The same asshole responsible for cock-blocking Luke Skywalker got his hands on the final confrontation between Jean Grey and Nameless Space Albino. It's so 'Meh' that I can't even be bothered to describe it. We could have had some legitimate, cosmic level ass whooping, but instead we get the CGI version of 'Meh'.
- ...I'm sorry, I'm sure she's a wonderful lady, but Sophie Turner will always be dumb-ass Sansa Stark to me. I just can't separate her from that character. It's like, "Oh no, somehow that asshole Three Eyed Raven sent Sansa Start into another universe to continue doing stupid shit! There's no way she can be stopped because Maisie Williams is NO FUCKING WHERE TO BE FOUND."
I just...this movie is so bad that I didn't even notice that Hans Zimmer was the one responsible for what was, in retrospect, probably the best part of the film. I'm a little ashamed of that. Just not much else where this film is concerned.
'Dark Phoenix' is what happens when fan service gets horribly, horribly out of control.
I can't think of a better way to sum up what is hopefully the final chapter in this X-Men franchise.
I tried to write a more interesting introduction to this review so that I could do one of my 'Short/Long Version' thingies, and I just couldn't manage it.
There's this part in the original Jurassic Park where Jeff Goldblum's nutso chaotician tells Hammond, "Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should!" Clearly, the same people engineering dinosaurs were responsible for this train-wreck as well.
'Dark Phoenix' is, as any comic book fan might know, the story of the X-Men, most notably Jean Grey, coming into contact with the cosmic MacGuffin known as the Phoenix. Except it sort of isn't. There's a Phoenix in this movie, and Jean Grey is in it as well, but that's sort of where the similarities end. This movie has a haphazzard story that staggers along from one hugely overblown action sequence to another. It is the Michael Bay of X-Men movies. Let me sum up the major plot points. I would say there are spoilers here, but they're more like warnings:
1. X-MEN IN SPACE!
2. Jean Grey absorbs the Phoenix force.
3. Jean Grey loses her shit repeatedly, hurting/killing a lot of people.
4. Charles Xavier is a sanctimonious prick that once again does more harm than good.
5. Unknown, mostly unexplained person tries to take advantage of Jean Grey
6. Jean Grey suddenly remembers she has a brain and sacrifices herself for her team.
7. PSYCHE!
The Dark Phoenix Saga should have been the 'Endgame' of the XCU. That's the kind of story that it is, that's how massive it is, that's how much setup it requires. The MCU started telling its story eleven years and 22 movies ago. Dark Phoenix is the fourth movie in this current iteration of the XCU. No one was thinking except for Michael Bay.
Michael Bay should never, ever be the only one thinking in the room.
I shall now list several of the things that made this movie horrible. HERE THERE BE WARNINGS, er, SPOILERS!
- First off, did the previous film, 'Apocalypse' just sort of... never happen? Cause Jean Grey was already the Phoenix. Yes, really. I shall remind you with this YouTube clip of the final conflict at the end of 'Apocalypse':
At 1:35, that's ... what, a giant flaming chicken she unleashes? A duck, perhaps? A GOOSE? Wait no, it's a... ahh fuck it, never mind.
- Charles Xavier is a fucking moron. In both the Stewart timeline 'Last Stand' and the McAvoy timeline 'Dark Phoenix', instead of helping Jean Grey actually come to grips with her trauma, Xavier simply buries it, because that's never, ever been a bad idea. And while we're on that note...
- The Phoenix does nothing bad in this movie. Xavier does, and by proxy, Grey does. The Phoenix only serves to amplify Grey's already very existing issues. Had Xavier not been a big, bald douche, the Phoenix would have been an ultimate force for good, and not ... whatever it was.
- The Phoenix force is not sentient. There is no involvement with any of the other cool space elements from the original story. There is no cool green and gold or red and gold super suit. Instead, we get Jessica Chastain and her utterly forgettable and inexplicably invincible gang of cronies from the D'Bari empire. You remember the D'Bari? Next-door neighbors to the Jabari? It's a good joke, seriously. Say it out loud.
- Can people just leave Magneto alone now, please? This rebooted X-Men franchise is just one example after another of bad shit happening because no one will leave Magneto well enough alone. Dude is trying to stay out of the way, but nooo...
- Your shit is either designed to function in space or not. There is no HALFWAY! NASA loves duct tape as much as the next dude, but it does not solve every problem! Seriously, there's some Three Stooges-level bullshit with duct tape and a space helmet NOT RATED FOR HARD VACUUM in this film, and it just...ahh, fuck it, never mind. Again.
- The same asshole responsible for cock-blocking Luke Skywalker got his hands on the final confrontation between Jean Grey and Nameless Space Albino. It's so 'Meh' that I can't even be bothered to describe it. We could have had some legitimate, cosmic level ass whooping, but instead we get the CGI version of 'Meh'.
- ...I'm sorry, I'm sure she's a wonderful lady, but Sophie Turner will always be dumb-ass Sansa Stark to me. I just can't separate her from that character. It's like, "Oh no, somehow that asshole Three Eyed Raven sent Sansa Start into another universe to continue doing stupid shit! There's no way she can be stopped because Maisie Williams is NO FUCKING WHERE TO BE FOUND."
I just...this movie is so bad that I didn't even notice that Hans Zimmer was the one responsible for what was, in retrospect, probably the best part of the film. I'm a little ashamed of that. Just not much else where this film is concerned.
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