A Bathroom Musings Leftovers Retrospective

(Friction - Imagine Dragons)

As previous entries would indicate, I've only been tagging posts as Bathroom Musings for about two years now.  Anyone who knows me understands that I was making posts about this topic long before that.  I've elected to capture some of those posts from Facebook and place them here, in one place.  After all, better out than in.  Without further ado, and in no particular order:

THE LEFTOVER -BM- RETROSPECTIVE!

(With Added Toilet Humor Goodness!)

March 15th, 2011 -- I must remember that, simply because a man CAN mix macaroni and cheese together with chili does not necessarily mean that a man SHOULD...

July 28th, 2011 --  It's telling of the kind of day that you're about to have when an industrial-weight sneeze catches you off guard in the morning, half-asleep, unprepared, and perhaps most problematic, without your shirt on yet.

Thus, the most grievous design flaw of chest hair is revealed, as is the sudden need for a shower, a lot of soap, and a loofa that you are completely willing to dispose of immediately after.

September 23rd, 2011 -- Applesauce in my nose?! Really, God? What is that? This goes beyond "He works in mysterious ways." How do I end up with applesauce in my nose?! At what point did you look down at the earth, smile slowly, and think, "Oh yeah. That's totally gotta happen."

November 26th, 2012 --  I consider it my solemn duty to seek the lesser-visited toilets in my building out and remind them who number two works for. I walk the extra mile to be sure that order is maintained, because God help us all if the toilets rise up....

November 23rd, 2012 -- <REM> If this isn't prophetic, I don't know what is. </REM>

"Wow. I just realized that I've thought some very profound things about pooping lately. I should write them all down!"

<You can't honestly think people will want to read that...>

"...Why not? Everyone poops! That book all of my friends' children seem to have says so!"

<...Yes, but ...>

This was the conversation that I had with myself this morning I didn't end up writing the post, of course, but if that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.

October 29th, 2012 -- Stuffy nose + blowing nose = bleeding nose.

Bleeding nose + countermeasures = ...a stuffy nose that is now clogged with dried blood.

God, I missed this.

June 28th, 2012 --  It seems I've been using the wrong trimming attachment for my facial hair trimmer. My wife informs me that I've been using the one that's supposed to be for trimming HAIR, not BEARDS. While the HAIR attachment worked just fine by my reckoning, I decided to heed my wife's suggestion and use the BEARD attachment.

It turns out, it's somewhat less a beard TRIMMER and more a beard MURDERER. Oh well. It'll grow back.

June 11th, 2012 -- Regarding Harry Potter Lego:

Kim: "Hey honey! I scare the pigeons and they poop coins! I thought you should know!"

My wife knows me too well.

March 30th, 2012 -- Love is being able to look past volcanic gastroblastomypantso complications to continued enjoyment. 

Peaches for breakfast again. ;)

March 21st, 2012 -- Oh my...I just ate an entire 24oz jar of peaches for breakfast without thinking about it.

...(gurgle)

February 23rd, 2012 --  I have conquered, and MORE than conquered! I have overcome a mountain of home repair and restored light and order, where there was one chaos and darkness. Now I, nay, EVERYONE in my home can be at peace, unafraid of that which was left unmended...

I have replaced a toilet seat. :)

December 5th, 2013 -- (Groan) Spicy chicken sandwich, what have you done to displease the sphincter gods?! Good LORD.....

November 28th, 2013 -- Quote of the day:

"I had no idea that someone was standing right next to you in the bathroom earlier when I started monologing. That makes it SO MUCH BETTER!"

July 3rd, 2013 -- An hour and a half since my last aggressive verbal negotiation with the toilet. It was pretty one-sided. I shouted and puked, and the toilet...well, it just sort of sat there and took it, God love the thing.

My current record is two hours. Come on 6pm...

July 1st, 2013 -- After using mouthwash with little to no alcohol content in it in order to keep Kim from gagging on it, I have finally been allowed to escalate back up to the original Death-flavored mouthwash from good ol' Listerine. 

...It's like gargling with nuclear fusion. And I love it.

June 7th, 2013 -- Concern is blowing your nose, KNOWING that something roughly the size of a VW Bug came out, and not being able to find it when you investigate the tissue.

May 13th, 2013 -- There is no way, NONE, that what happened in the bathroom just now should not have been accompanied by Wagner, or perhaps a stirring rendition of 'Night On Bald Mountain'. I feel cheated.

...and substantially lighter.

February 13th, 2013 -- Had chicken for dinner. Not...entirely sure of chicken's done-ness. Stomach is now daring me to lay down, just waiting... My solution? A Steak and Jalapino burrito. 

It's entirely possible that I am an idiot.

January 31st, 2014 -- While walking through the mall...

"I just crop-dusted the front of the Disney Store. There has to be an achievement for that!" My friend bursts into laughter while his wife looks on, horrified. While walking the other direction in the mall... "Damn it! We're gonna walk right past the Disney Store again and I'm empty!"

"Gosh, Steve, I guess that means you'll only be a level two douchebag by the time we leave."

"I know...I'm disappointed in myself right now."

January 15th, 2014 -- Wow. It turns out, the stripper knew exactly what she was talking about. My head feels amazing!

December 15th, 2015 -- Earlier today, I was totally going to write a blog entry about how I occasionally feel the need for a theme song when on The Throne.

That was 8 trips ago.

Something has ... gone terribly wrong.

December 29th, 2016 -- You know you've shipped some serious freight out when you can tighten your belt by another notch once it's over.

November 28th, 2016 -- Ahh, the first bloody nose of the season. Never have so many Kleenex died while being stuffed into a single nostril...

November 15th, 2016 -- I  must not stress-test the nursing home toilet...

I must not stress-test the nursing home toilet...

I must not stress-test the nursing home toilet...

November 14th, 2016 -- It's never really a good idea to try and scratch an itch with a razor while you're shaving.

<REM> This next sequence has to do with my starting to use a CPAP for the first time, hence all the talking of a mask. </REM>

October 26th, 2016 --  DAY 1:

Did not wake up with mutant super-powers. Was promised mutant super powers. Maybe I have said powers, but just haven't discovered them yet.

...Please don't let it be 'juggling grapefruit'.

October 27th, 2016 -- DAY 2: 

Still did not wake up with mutant powers. Have developed an unsettling tendency to hum 'Danger Zone' when putting mask on. Have begun contemplating mischievous things to do with air hose while wife slumbers.

October 28th, 2016 -- DAY 3. 

Still no mutant super-powers. Have discovered, however, that I can make fart noises on command with the mask.

...worth it. :)

October 29th, 2016 -- DAY FOUR: 

Still no mutant super-powers.

I think.

Have several times tried to launch myself into orbit today by means of explosive flatulence. Suspect that mask will not work in low orbit.

...Worth it. ;)

October 30th, 2016 -- DAY FIVE: 

Still no mutant powers. Discovered that sneezing with the mask on is a very, very bad idea.

October 14th, 2016 -- Eggs should come with a warning label on them. My GOD....

October 8th, 2016 -- I am beyond the capacity for rational thought right now...

October 6th, 2016 -- ...Stupid automatic toilet. I was gonna take a picture of that.

September 26th, 2016 -- When the goal for the morning becomes 'Make a controlled descent', you know it's going to be a long day.

September 20th, 2016 -- There are so many different ways that blowing your nose can go wrong. I think I've found just about all of them today.

September 15th, 2016 -- Not sure what I did to earn this case of what can only be described as nasal gonnorhea, but I'm sorry, and would it please go away?

September 2nd, 2016 -- Discipline your minds, people!

We've all been there, on the couch, at our desk, even laying in bed, and have had the thought, "Oohhh, I've got something brewing in there, and it's probably gonna be bad." That's a harmless enough thought, because you haven't acknowledged the horror yet, just the possibility of its existence. As a result, your guts do nothing except carry on with their usual routine. But don't mistake their apathy for mercy. Oh, no.

You see, at the point where, "Wow, I might have to poo soon," turns into, "Wow, I...have to poo!", the shit literally and figuratively gets real. You've acknowledged it. You've given it power, the thing inside of you, and now, it demands to be parked. When it was still a 'Might', you could stave it off, potentially for hours, but once you stare into the void, it stares right back. 

And it will not be denied.

August 25th, 2016 -- ...Well, damn.

I was going to get to bed early tonight, but after taking a nice, cool shower, I promptly got out and realized that I was suffering from another bout of sleeplessness -- on the eve of my appointment to see a sleep specialist, natch! -- so I thought I'd waddle downstairs and write a stirring manifesto about how pivotal toilet paper was to my spending habits at the grocery store.

Alas, I got down here, cracked open a bottle of sparking water, drank deeply, and promptly thought, "You know what, I'm awake, but not awake enough for a stirring manifesto. Let's go look up Hellboy cartoons on YouTube instead."

(Insert stirring manifesto about toilet paper here.)

August 19th, 2016 -- Good ol' Single Ply. Its a corporate bathroom's way of saying, "No, really... You don't want to do that here."

July 31st, 2016 -- The two most memorable quotes from the one year old's birthday party:

"You're mixing your scatalogical metaphors."

"The unicorn keeps coming out of the dragon's ass. I don't understand how this toy is supposed to work."

July 28th, 2016 -- Nothing says "You've been in the shower long enough" like lightning you can see through the shower curtain, followed by thunder loud enough to shake it.

July 15th, 2016 -- With the possible exception of toddlers, only one thing makes bathroom time more interesting than the presence of a cat, and that's the presence of multiple cats.

July 4th, 2016 -- Attempting to shave a sunburned head is an extended exercise in creative profanity.

May 21st, 2016 -- 

It's called a 'plunger', Tinker. Don't lick it.

April 26th, 2016 -- On the advice of several people that I trust about matters like this, I tried a saline bottle on my nose last night. When the barrier of funk between nostrils finally gave way, the noise was... Unpleasant. Worse was what came out.

There are some things that even I won't take a picture of...

April 22nd, 2016 -- How many masterpieces have auto-flush toilets ruined over the years?

April 15th, 2016 -- I've been pretty stopped up in my head and nose since Sunday when I started seriously packing and moving things around the old house. I haven't been able to smell or taste anything for the entire week. 

It was proof of the Divine's sense of humor that the first thing I found I could smell again yesterday evening was my own fart.

April 1st, 2016 -- There is no denying the sliver of fear I experience every time I come face to face with a new roll of toilet paper and can't find the little starter flap.

March 24th, 2016 -- So, I hop out of the shower, all fresh and clean. Used all the hot water. I get toweled off, get deodorant on, get the underwear and socks on, get the right eye put in, and then proceed to Blitzsneeze with enough force to eject various pieces of my skull, brain, and what little dignity I have left all over my chest hair.

Back in the shower we go. No hot water.

That's what victory at 6am looks like, in case anyone was wondering.

March 23rd, 2016 -- Trying to trim my toenails, I sort of cut my toe. Don't ask. Naturally, I must now lean down to inspect and treat the wound. My nose immediately begins to bleed. I cannot look down without the nosebleed getting worse and I cannot put a band aid on my foot without bending down.

I will surely bleed to death.

March 18th, 2016  -- I have two cats, and I love them both. My wife tells me so each morning. Everything poops, and my two cats are no exception, much as I would prefer it otherwise. The small mercy here is that they tend to do it in separate litter boxes across the house from each other.

One of those litter boxes is in a semi-enclosed space, which means that it can get smelly pretty fast if we don't clean it every day. Because I hate any part of my house smelling like cat droppings, I put a rather robust air freshener in that room. Much to my immediate delight, the problem went away almost immediately.

Both cats promptly began using the litter box, effortlessly overpowering the air freshener.

Cats are assholes.

March 17th, 2016 -- Switching from your wife's limp-wristed, triple mint flavored, alcohol-free fairy water that passes for mouthwash to the old, reliable, Robin Retzer-approved death-flavored Original Listerine is like gargling with fire ants that have been dipped in a mixture of ghost pepper sauce and misery.

Hell yea.

March 17th, 2016 -- You can no longer refer to it as a 'nick' if you find a strip of skin in your razor.

Hope folks have enjoyed!  I'm done looking at my screen for the immediate future.